I find it interesting that when we follow our heart it can tend to contradict what our head is saying; and vice versa. How do we truly know what is right? I like to think that what our heart says will always lead us in the right direction. I believe that passion comes from your heart and if we always do what we love (as long as it isn’t something like heroin, stealing or murder) then it will lead us in the right direction and help our life be what we want it to be. That’s pretty much the “Secret” that there was so much hype about a few years ago. There is not “secret”. Do what makes you happy and be with whom you love and the rest will follow. But what happens when you aren’t sure what that is. Or are trying to figure that out and in the process make a mistake? That’s when you start to question “Did I do the right thing?” But, as long as you do what feels right, then things will work out the way they were meant to be.
It can be a scary idea, but you need to have faith. For a while I’ve been lacking that faith. I guess it’s fairly normal to feel that loss of faith after such an amazing person, my mom, was taken from us a short 7 years ago. I still remember every detail about that night. The time everything happened. The day. The date. The events. I still find it hard to believe that she is gone and I miss her so much. I still cry every so often about her and I just want so badly to be happy. I mean, I am happy, but I want to share my happiness with someone. At times it feels like karma is out to get me. I never maliciously try to hurt anyone. I’m looking for what everyone else is I suppose. Maybe I go about it differently. Maybe I go about it the same way. All I know is that I feel close. Maybe I feel like I have it. I don’t know some days and other days I am absolutely sure. I guess all we can do is have that faith (which I feel that I am starting to regain, which is a great feeling). I went for a run the other night and I think it was the first time in a long time that I have felt so clear and fresh. Dean and I have finally started talking again. I am seeing my family more. And I have met someone. I feel like things are coming together once again but there are still so many daily tasks that need to be done (school and work) that at times I wish I had a few months off to just relax. I think when I’m graduated I will be taking that time off to just relax. Since I graduated high school, I have been either in school or working. I really haven’t had time to relax. Sure, going away for the weekend to California, Utah, Washington and BC amongst other places is great, but really when you go to play 7 games of frisbee and get home exhausted and having to get back into your normal busy lives, it’s not a vacation. At all. I truly need a vacation. I think I’m going to go to Fort Mac again at the end of November and see my cousin Natalie and my buddy Chris. I miss Natalie so much. We both have the mutual understanding that family is important and that we don’t do all we can to see each other. We are planning on a week vacation next summer in PEI; I really hope that happens.
I guess that’s what is on my mind currently. It’s been a tough week. This weekend is the last weekend of ultimate until the spring so as sad as I am to be done, it’ll be nice to have some time again for myself and the rest of my life on weekend and evenings. It’s been a long, expensive season.